What hurts the most
by Zaerith Vrinn
Summary: Springbreak is a time for parties, when Optimus goes to pick Mikaela up from one a song on the radio makes him realize somewthing he never wanted to know. ANGST and implied slash. Songfic?


**Author's note: **Words in** Bold** are song lyrics _italicized_ words are flash backs, italicized words with '_apostrophizes'_ are thoughts. I Love this song (What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts), and I really think it fits the pairing, but does OP hearing it through the radio count this as a songfic?

**Warnings: **Movieverse, angstimpliedSLASH MegatronXOptimus

**Disclaimer**: Of _**course**_ I own them! I am a 15 year old girl who doesn't know half the cast from the original series, but I am queen of the universe, and I say I own them...Oh, what the…? Aw, not you again; didn't I tell you and your little demonic minions to beat it **last week** when I said I was going to the library to do homework, but I was actually looking at slash fics?

What Hurts the Most

Mikaela had been at a party, (it was spring break, and all kids in high-school were having parties or going on vacation) when Optimus received a call saying she needed to be picked up.

"Trent's here," she had explained with annoyance "and the jerk is trying to get back with me."

The Witwicky family had gone on a vacation, a far off place called 'Canada' for the week, and taken Bumblebee with them, Ratchet was busy helping humans at their hospital, and Ironhide was with the Lennox family on their vacation, 'Disneyworld' they called it. So that left Optimus, he agreed to come.

"I will be there as soon as possible." He told her.

"Thanks."

It had been a year since the arrival of the autobots, a year since the war in Mission city, and the destruction of the cube.

One year since the destruction of Megatron.

Had Optimus been in his true form he would have shook his head. _'Stop thinking about it'_ he thought, driving carefully on the road to the lake where Mikaela was waiting for him.

He switched on a holo-form, thinking that it would be more comfortable for the humans who didn't know of his existence to see Mikaela climb in a semi-truck with a driver rather than without one.

On the side of the road he saw Mikaela waiting under a tree, a tall, masculine boy about the same age was standing above her, he must have been Trent.

"C'mon Babe, just ditch that loser, and I'll take you back, no big deal!" the boy insisted.

"Trent!" Mikaela snapped, "**I** left **you**, not the other way around, it's not about you taking me back, and Sam is not a loser!"

Trent seemed ready to say more, but Optimus cut in, "Mikaela!" he called opening his passenger door for her "I'm here, come on."

Mikaela stared at him for a moment, the sight of a twenty-something man with sandy-blond hair sitting in the driver's seat, must have surprised her, but the blue eyes that were the same shade as the optics of the robot she knew allowed her trust him. She stood up; got in the truck and waved good-by to the friends she had been talking with before Trent had started bugging her.

The ride back was mostly filled with Optimus asking her how she was doing, and her answering (once or twice complaining about Trent being a jerk), but not even a quarter of the way back Mikaela had nothing else to talk or complain about, and things were quiet for a few minuets.

"How about you Optimus?" She asked suddenly.

"Hmm?" He used his holo-form, to make Mikaela feel more comfortable while talking to him.

Mikaela was silent for a moment before answering, "Well…you've been acting sorta strange lately, and well… I didn't know you very well before Mission city, but I heard Bumblebee say you haven't been yourself."

Optimus felt his spark flare slightly and he slowed down a bit. "It…" he began, "it isn't something I wish to discuss just yet." He finally answered. Yes, he was not himself; he wasn't exactly sure why…he was _afraid_ to know why.

"Oh, okay then." Mikaela answered and turned to stare out his window.

Optimus' holo-form smiled, that was one of the things he liked about the human girl. She knew when to end a conversation, unlike the medical officer Ratchet, who would continuously ask him about it, and Ironhide was even worse.

"Do you want to listen to some music?" he offered.

"…Sure."

"Any song in particular, you want to hear?"

"Mmm…No. Not really." She answered.

So Optimus channeled his radio frequency to a random station, catching the end of a song called 'Wings of a Butterfly'. Things were quiet again for a few minuets as the radio hosts talked to each other, then to a caller, and to each other again. Finally music started to play, followed by the soft voice of a human male, Optimus concentrated on driving.

"**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me"**

"Hey Optimus, could you turn it up?" Mikaela requested.

Without saying anything Optimus complied, and as the chorus of the song began he started to listen to its lyrics.**  
**

"**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do"**

His spark flared when he heard the lines.

_Megatron stopped suddenly and Optimus bumped into him, "S-sorry." he stuttered_

_"No," Megatron responded cooling, "It was my fault for stopping, are you alright?" _

_"I am." Optimus returned._

_The older mech turned and continued on his way._

_"Megatron!" Optimus called to get his attention._

_"Yes?" _

_"Megatron, uhh…" he gazed into the red optics of his fellow ruler trying to find the words that he wanted to say, realizing that he didn't even know what they were. "Uhh … I…never mind…"_

Optimus slowed down a bit again and mentally kicked himself; Mikaela didn't notice him slow down and was mouthing the lyrics of the song. The lyrics of the next verse began to play, Optimus again listened to them.

"**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken"  
**

He'd known Ironhide and Ratchet before the war. Though Ratchet was more of an acquaintance then, both Optimus and Megatron liked Ironhide well enough to say that he was a friend.

_When the war broke out Ironhide and Ratchet became autobots, but Optimus only felt a pang of loneliness when he was with the two of them; because Megatron was missing. He'd realized after the war began the Megatron was more than just a friend to him, but he'd never told him that. He never would._

"Stop it." he muttered quietly to himself, Mikaela didn't act like she had heard him. The chorus began again.

"**What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do"**

He flinched, his vehicle mode jumped slightly, easily mistaken for a bump in the road.

_War had been declared, but battles had not started yet, Megatron and Optimus stood opposite each other. Megatron glared at him, his metallic features twisted into a vindictive sneer, Optimus frowned back at him, his face plate hid most of his pain, but his optics let Megatron know how hurt he was by the sudden change in the Lord High Protector's personality._

_"What is it now Brother?" Megatron scoffed "Have you come to stop me? Perhaps play hero for you're precious traitors?"_

_Optimus looked sadly at the transformer who called him 'brother' and he also used that affectionate term for, "Are we the traitors, Megatron?" he asked "We are doing what is right, while you are the ones who have turned your back on your world, everything you have ever believed in, to use the Allspark for dark purposes that you never would have before. Who are the traitors; the Autobots, or the Decepticons, whose own name rings of the abuse?"_

_Megatron chuckled, a scornful laugh that made Optimus quiver, "'Turned you back on your world, everything you have ever believed in'?" he mocked "I never would have thought so Optimus Prime, but you are a fool! I care nothing for Cybertron, nor for its inhabitants, not anymore. I care nothing for anything unless it allows me to obtain what I desire."_

_Optimus felt as though he had been stabbed, "Megatron…" his voice was quiet, another give away to his pain, "you don't mean that…you don't--"_

_Megatron laughed again, "You are a bigger fool than I imagined Prime, the Allspark and its power are all I care about; nothing else!" He leaped from the building transforming into his powerful jet mode and flying away faster than any human vehicle could._

_Optimus watched him go, his face plate retracted to show just how painful this was for him, "…Megatron…" He'd be crying if his mechanical body had the ability to, but it didn't and he stood there awhile, hurting. Hurting so badly he wished he could just die._

He wished he could. Right now…

"**What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do"  
**

The last battle with Megatron… it had been his last chance, and he'd not taken it.

_"Sam! Put the cube in my chest! Now!" He told the human._

_Sam stood up the Allspark in his hands, but instead of pushing it into his chest, Sam ran to Megatron._

_"Sam! No Sam!" he shouted when the boy shoved the cube into Megatron's chest instead have his. _

_The light burned his optics, he heard Megatron cry out in agony, shock, and slight terror. Optimus watched Megatron's body jolt uncontrollably and their optic met for a brief instant. Optimus saw something other than pain, fear, surprise and hate flicker in his red optics, before Megatron collapsed, the cube's energy overloading and shutting down his systems._

_Optimus stood up slowly, and approached Megatron's body equally slowly, he saw the unknown emotion in Megatron's optics before they began to flicker off. "You left me no choice, Brother…" he'd said sadly, but that was not what he had meant._

Mikaela turned from the window at stared at Optimus' holo-form for a moment. There weretears falling from its eyes, "Optimus?" She asked breaking the silence and his train of thought, "are you alright?" she asked.

Optimus had no way of knowing that his holo-form was crying, and didn't stop it even as he turned to her, "No, I'm not."

"**(Not seeing that loving you)  
That's what I was trying to do"**

The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

Optimus stood alone on a hill, over looking the small town of Tranquility; it was dark so no human could see him. He looked up at the sky, here; in this same spot he'd sent a message to surviving Autobots inviting them to come to Earth. Then he'd been filled with relief that after countless centuries of war it was finally over, but now he was overwhelmed with a grief so devastating that he only wanted to be along.

He'd loved Megatron…but not it the brotherly way that he always been telling everyone…and himself. _Love_.

He had dropped Mikaela off in front of her house , but before she had left she had told him that his holo-form had been crying, and offered that when he felt the time was right, she would listen to whatever it was that was bothering him. He told her then that he would be alright, though he could tell she knew he wouldn't.

Up in the sky he saw a shooting star fly by and thought of Megatron in his jet mode, speeding across the galaxies to an unknown destination, leaving not trail for Optimus to pick up and follow. Like the song had said, many times Optimus had sub-consciously known his feelings for Megatron, and wanted to tell him, but had just let him go. He remembered that unidentified emotion in Megatron's optics. Could that have been love to? Or was he just hoping that it was? Optimus would live with this regret all his life, never knowing what could have been, if he'd just realized what Megatron had meant to him.

Optimus followed the trail of the shooting star with his gaze and said aloud to the cold night air, "Megatron…I…I loved you…"

He felt a sudden relief, saying it aloud eased the pain. The shooting star twinkled before it finally disappeared into the vastness of space. Optimus smiled and a small, cold, gust of wind passed through the trees; he shivered not because of the wind, but because of a strange feeling that somewhere, far way, Megatron was smiling too.

**Author's note: **Tell me if you cried, because I almost did! Primus, Zaerith! Pull yourself together! Reviews are happily taken, please don't flame me cause I am rather new to the fandom. I am also serious, tell me if you cried, thank you.

**Vulture Editor: **I cried…then again I was also listening to the song as I was editing. Primus, it's really hard to edit through a bunch of tears. Review or face my "_Horrifying Editing Powers of Death_".


End file.
